Aakankshya.
Desire.
That’s the meaning of her name. Her parents named her so,
when she was born after years and years of their prayers. She was their only
desire after 10 years of their marriage. And she arrived 32 years ago for them
in flesh and blood and they have cherished her since then.
She was the apple of her parents’ eyes and was a pampered
kid. She was loved and loved and only loved. Not a single wish of her ever went
in vain. If she wanted a doll, she got two. Everything ever she wanted was
hers. She was doted and loved. She was cherished and protected.
Time passed and she grew up to be a beautiful girl and then
a gorgeous lady. To her parents she was the prettiest pictures of all. She
spent her time reading books, painting pictures, dreaming about a prince
charming who would come and sweep her off her feet just like the prince in her
books. She was living a fairly tale dream and her parents wanted nothing less
than a prince for their daughter.
When she was in her mid twenties parents got frantic to find
her a suitable match. Match makers were called, relatives and extended family informed
and friends were alerted, a prince had to be found. But do you find them in
this modern world? The answer was soon found to the question and it was a ‘Yes’.
They met a handsome guy, working for a multi-national, living
the NRI dream; belonged to an affluent family who were looking for a match for
their only son. As soon as the word reached and they saw her pictures they
wanted Aakankshya to be the daughter-in-law of the family. Horoscopes were
exchanged and they matched perfectly. The boy and the girl liked each other as
soon as they had set their eyes on each other. It was the quickest decision she
had ever taken and she wanted to be his wife and the mother of his kids. It was
a match made in heaven.
The wedding day arrived and she, the dreamy eyed bride,
looked absolutely stunning under the veil. The groom so handsome like a real
prince came riding on a pure white horse. The entire town was invited to the
wedding of their only daughter. No stone left unturned to make it the most
perfect and most talked about event in the whole little town of theirs.
As soon as the wedding was over they had to leave for the
groom’s place of residence. She was moving to the US. Finally her dream will
come true. She and the love of her life, setting on a new journey, new
adventure. They both were so excited. Finally they bid farewell to their
families and said hello to their love and togetherness.
He was the perfect guy for her, and she was the perfect girl
for him. They were a happy couple, totally in love. Life was good to them and
they were happy with each other. She would cook for him, take care of his
house, and dress up nicely for the evenings when he was supposed to return from
work. He would bring a bunch of flowers or a bunch of hugs and kisses with him
every day when he returned from work. They would spend the evening in each
other’s arms and would talk till one of them falls asleep. On other nights they
would make sweet sweet love to each other and would not let the other sleep.
Life was perfect.
Days went to months and months to years.
It was almost 7 years of marriage.
Now they wake up in the same bed but at two different ends.
She makes breakfast and he leaves for office. She gets on with her household
chores, goes out for a walk in the evening all by herself and on her way back
buys some flowers for her house to put in the vase by the window sill. She
makes the dinner and keeps on the dining table and when the clock strikes 11
she comes to bed. She reads herself a book and sleeps.
He works his ass off in his office; he has dreams to buy a
big house and a bigger car. He has set himself a target of the end of the year.
He is sick of staying in the same 2 bedroom apartment and says ‘its time to
think big’. By the time he comes back from office he is so tired he does not
even have the energy to look at the clock to know what time he came in. He only
knows to keep his alarm on for 8 am the next morning. Monday to Sunday all days
it’s the same routine.
She often sits in her small balcony and wonders what is
wrong with this house. Why he wants a big one. ‘In this tiny apartment also we
have got so much space between each other already, what will happen when we
have a bigger house’. She does not remember when they last kissed or when they
last were holding hands while having a dinner or when he last said he loved her
or when they went for a walk by the lake, but she remembers the last time he
came home drunk from a office party and wanted her. She did not resist even if
he reeked of smoke and alcohol. She wanted her husband to make love to her but
he wanted to show his dominance over his property. She belonged to him and only
him.
Days went by and the routine continued.
She thought their marriage was falling apart and needed to
do something to keep it together. How about having a baby she thought. But she
knew his answer. He was not ready for it and not ready for the expenses which
comes with the baby. He was mentally and financially not ready for this big
step. She wondered how about some vacation together, may be a change of scenery
will rekindle their love. After-all he is the same guy she fell in love with
once. But was he still in love with her? And most importantly, was he the same
guy he once was? His absence from her life bothered her, she had her moments of
doubts also, if he was cheating on her, but she discarded this thought as soon
as it came. She knew he was a workaholic person and very ambitious. And she had
fallen in love with him for all that once. But, then she was always his
priority. Now she does not know anymore. Whenever she tries to talk to him
about anything about themselves , he says he is not in a right frame of mind to
handle her dramas, he says he gets his peace time very less often and she
should not spoil it for him. She keeps quiet and keeps her feelings to herself.
Once she used to laugh and smile, now she locks herself in bathroom and cries
with the faucet on so that no one hears her, the apartment walls are really
thin. She does not want raised eyebrows and his chuckles and to be a labeled
‘the stupid housewife who cries for no reason’.
The days went by.
She maintained her routine. She was her own company now and
she was trying to get used to it. She missed the feeling of skipping a heart
beat with his touch. She often would close her eyes and play a movie to
herself, a movie of them 7 years back. She still loved him and wanted him in
his life. She wished to be his priority one more time. The way he used to talk
to her about their future, about his dreams; the way he treated her like a
queen; the weekends when he would get her breakfast in the bed and then they
would not leave the bed for hours. It was all a memory now. Some distant past
and she still was holding on to them. Not knowing what happened to them and
definitely not knowing where they were headed to.
One regular day when she was returning from her evening
walks with a bunch of yellow lilies in hand, oblivious to the world around her.
A unfamiliar voice in the elevator said ‘so you love lilies?’ She looked up to
see a new but very handsome face smiling at her. A tall, well built young guy,
must be younger to her she thought, holding a bag of groceries himself, smiling
at her. She smiled back in courtesy and replied ‘No I don’t, but my husband always
brought them for me, as they symbolize passion and celebration’. The thought of
it made her eyes swell up and she turned her face to hide her tears, lest they
roll down her eyes, and that too in-front of a stranger. But he did not miss
any of it. He has seen a beautiful face with sad eyes entering the elevator and
he felt like it was his duty to spread some love to the loveless one with
yellow lilies. He noticed the way she talked in past tense when she talked
about her husband bringing her flowers. The elevator reached her floor and he
too was getting down on the same floor. He was her new neighbor; recently moved
from India to pursue his higher studies and job.
It was now a regular thing they would bump into each other. He
would always give her his best smile and greetings. This young man made her
remind of her husband when they had moved newly to this flat after their one
year of marriage. She started bumping into him in the park by the lake also
where he would jog around like a maniac for hours when she would take her
leisurely stroll and every time they cross he would invariably give her a
smile.
Smiles led to small talks and laughter’s and she found a new
friend in him. She could talk anything and everything under the sky with him
and he too reciprocated to the topics with his two cents. They used to laugh
saying ‘how weird are we’ and ‘it only takes one crazy to appreciate and admire
another crazy’.
The days she met him she beamed with happiness, her loveless
marriage did not bother her anymore. She would sometimes cook something special
and invite her new friend over for a meal. He was more than excited to accept
the offer not because she was the world’s best cook and also not because he
missed home food but because he liked to see the smile on her face and the
twinkle in her eyes.
Their friendship was growing stronger every passing day and
now they spend more and more time together, sipping a cup of coffee or watching
some stupid romantic flick and making fun of it. What they did, it did not
matter as long as they were doing it in each other’s company. She knew very
well that her neighbor is more than a friend to her now and she too was growing
fond of him, but she discarded the notion as soon as it came to her mind saying
to herself ‘he knows I am married’ .
Sometimes while watching a movie, he would sit very close,
keeping an arm around her. She would not say anything. Sometimes she also felt
her body leaning towards him and then she suddenly would excuse herself to make
some popcorn to go with the movie.
He too understands her hesitation and says nothing or does
nothing to offend her.
One day while she was almost finished making a special
dinner for her husband; she sees a message on her phone saying ‘don’t wait for
me, going for dinner with boss and client.’ She feels rejected. She tries to
remember when last they said ‘I love you’ to each other and truly she could not
remember, was it last anniversary or was it valentine’s day or was it his
birthday when she said she loves him and he said thank you in response. She
can’t remember. ‘Was it really that long time ago’, the thought made her eyes
swell with tears.
Just then she sees another message on her phone from her
neighbor ‘getting bored! L’
. It instantly brought a smile to her sad teary face. How did this guy know
when she needs some company desperately and how he always knows how to cheer
her up? She replies his message ‘made my special rajma, want to taste? Come over’. Reply comes ‘I am drooling
already, cya in 15’.
She quickly changes clothes, applies a little makeup and
checks if the house and she herself look presentable enough. Everything looks
good. She feels a little butterfly suddenly in her stomach. What is that
feeling?
Just after 15 minutes, she hears a knock at the door. She
quickly gets up and runs to the door, or is she running to him? She opens the
door to see the same young man with the big infectious smile holding a bunch of
tulips. She looks at the tulips and at him, he says ‘for u ma’am’. And she
could not even understand how he remembered tulips were her favorite flowers;
her husband also did not know it after 7 years of marriage. She feels
overwhelmed. She does not know what to say. She meekly says. ‘You remember our
first conversation?’ And he says, ‘I cannot forget any of our conversations
ever’. She feels at a loss of words.
She goes to the kitchen to get the dinner. He follows her.
He helps her set the dinner table and they as usual talk about all the topics
sense or non-sense. The dinner which usually is over in minutes with her husband,
lasts for more than an hour with this friend of hers. She laughs till she cries
and till her stomach hurts. And he makes her laugh till she begs him to stop
because she cannot take it anymore. She loves the time they spend together, how
quickly it passes they both don’t understand.
At the end of dinner it’s almost midnight and he is still
here. He has never stayed this late. And today she has not asked him to leave
yet. She goes to the kitchen to arrange things and call it a night. She
suddenly feels an arm around her waist hugging her from behind, his other hand
gently touches her hair and tucks it behind her ear tracing it all the way on
her neck and shoulder and arm to hold her around her waist. He pulls her closer
and his lips now kissing her on her neck, where earlier her hair was cascading.
She could hear her own heart beat now, her heart thumping in her chest. She
likes what he is doing, the woman in her surely is responding to his beats and
groove. He does not stop kissing her neck and ear, in between he smells her
hair and she knows he likes it. His arms are now holding her tight and she is
melting away in his strong but loving grip. She turns her face towards him and
lets her body face his. They are hardly inches away from each other. He holds
her in his arms and this time her face is buried in his chest listening to his
heart beat, his heart is also racing wild while a old Kishore Kumar song is playing in the background. She moved her
hands on his back embracing him while she could and he is growing wild in her
passion. At this moment she is no one , but a woman in a man’s arm who wants
her and who wants to love her, pamper her, and as she remembered him once
replying to her question ‘what does your name mean?’ , ‘it means the one who
could show you heaven ;)’ and she wanted that little heaven for herself one
more time.
She is just there in that moment feeling the love that she
has not felt in a long while. She looks up and sees it in his eyes, there is no
lust for her, but its filled with love, respect, passion. She looks deep in his
eyes and she sees herself ‘Aakankshya’, she is his desire and he is her
temptation. She feels him leaning closer to her, his lips reaching for hers and
at the moment she makes the mistake of seeing his face, instead of
concentrating on his eyes.
It’s not her husband!
She gets out of the trance and pulls herself out of his
grip. He stops before his lips could touch hers. The wife in her had triumphed
over the temptation and had successfully crushed a woman’s desires, aakankshya.
